Day 60: Worker's Comp

One of the few good things about living alone:

When you pull every muscle in your upper back at work because of all the paperwork you had to do while you were on call, you are at liberty to come home and put Bengay all over the affected area. Then whilst smelling like an 80 year old, you are free to put on a hoodie with the hood pulled over your head and the strings pulled tight while blasting the AC because you can't quite figure out if you are hot or cold. And there is no one there to judge your appearance.

The bad thing about living alone in this situation is that when you start to wonder if maybe you have fractured your spine because normally Bengay is a miracle drug that can cure all, no one is there to tell you to shut up and stop being a baby. Subsequently, you spend half the day calling your friends and family for reassurance instead of studying for the in-service exam.

The riveting discussion that arises from this conundrum is: would you rather have a personal masseur or a personal chef?

Day 56-59: Hair-mets Are Cool

Yesterday I was post call and in my post call stupor I tend to do dumb things I would not normally do in my sane state of mind; such as perhaps watch a Jennifer Lopez movie. Maybe watching a J.Lo movie is inexcusable no matter what your state of mind.

What is also inexcusable is the lawless state of Cleveland. Apparently there is no law about wearing helmets on motorcycles here. Like this bright young fellow people use their helmets as an accessory instead of a life saving tool, that will insure that when that dude making a left turn in a red light hits you, you don't end up a paraplegic and instead you will only have a colostomy.

I hate motorcycles. And I have become prematurely jaded by medicine. WA-OH!

Day 55: Thought Process

I was on long call in the telemetry (cardiac) unit the other day. My worry the entire time was that a nurse would call me up and tell me someone was having chest pain. Of course it happened. This is subsequently what went through my head:

I'm going to throw up.
Don't throw up, that won't even help.
He's having a heart attack.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!
Nitroglycerin, no his blood pressure is too low, yes, no, yes???
What if it's just musculoskeletal.
I'm going to throw up again.
No, I think I am now having a heart attack too!
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGH!
Must call the senior.

Day 54: Unwelcome Habitants

My car needs a wash, it's painful to see. There are spider webs on it, bird poop, leaves, Cleveland's acidic rain, did I mention spider webs.

Behind my driver's side rear view mirror lives a giant fist sized hairy beast of a spider. He's been spinning a storm and I am no certain that the inside of the mirror must be a place of horror, full of mosquito carcasses and his personal disgusting remains.

I am totally grossed out by this spider but incapacitated by my fear of creepy crawly things to do anything to annihilate him.

I'm actually afraid that if I try to kill him with my shoe that he's going to turn out to be some kind of flying bat spider that will jump onto me and attack me. I can actually visualize this in my mind.

So, my plan of action at this point is to take the Honda through a drive through car wash and hope that the vigorous cleansing will purge him from my life.

Help. :|

Day 51-53: Post-call Judgement Lapses

I highly discourage multitasking while driving, it's dangerous and comes with an increased risk of accidents. So I don't pick up the phone either to answer or dial while driving. I am however, guilty of trying to do other things while driving. Today I tried to eat a banana cream pie while at red lights because I was so hungry post call I couldn't wait. This was a very bad idea.

There are things that it is probably appropriate to try to eat while driving, like maybe pretzels, or other bite size snack foods that can be easily accessed without visual and that aren't gunky and goopy. Banana cream pie is totally inappropriate. My passenger side seat agrees.

Day 49-50: Debbie Downer

Welcome to work: 3 out of 7 of your patients are trying to die today. And then your co-intern is going to be post call, so you also get to take care of 10 extra patients. Yipee. Also your boss is being a jerk and you have a killer migraine. And cherry on top - there is no cherry, you don't get to eat today, because you will be paged incessantly by a nurse who thinks talking about a patient's chest tube in minute detail is the highlight of your life.

Some days I definitely forget to be happy; and shiny I don't even know what that word means! Have I lost my youthful glow and idealism already? Well, lets just say I'm a little surprised that over the last 2 months only 2 of my patients have said I look too young to be a doctor. I highly doubt its because I carry an air of medical confidence.

At one point I walked by the gift shop in the hospital and there was a plaque in the window that said "Enjoy the small things". Touche life, touche.

Day 48-49: EK-who?

Next month my attending on the telemetry service is the program director. I just barely know that the heart is located in the chest. Cardiology is my weak point. Now I have 4 days to learn everything about cardiology. Right now EKGs look like squiggles to me. Up until now I have been leaving the cardiology chapter to last on my study list, every time I have studied for an exam. So basically, I usually end up cramming a few high yield points into my head long enough to pass the exam. This time next week I may no longer be in residency, once the program director realizes I'm as dumb as a door.

I should just start working on my resume.

Day 45-47: Wise Words

"Never allow someone to be your Priority, while allowing yourself to be their Option." Mark Twain

Day 42-44: What are you Watching?

I am post call and I have realized that when I am so exhausted pretty much anything will entertain me. Presently I am watching some channel I have called EWTN, there's a super low budget cooking show on with a British lady making candied apples, except she sucks at it. Also at the end she said "Happy Bart's Day", what is that?!!?

I have never had a candied apple and most likely never will, I fear at least one of my teeth would get pulled out. Also my dad pretty much drilled into my head that getting a cavity is the most disappointing thing I could do in his eyes. I guess parent's tend to feel over protective of your teeth when they spent a small fortune straightening your teeth!

Day 41: And Then...

It began as a nice day at work, only 3 patients to take care of. But by lunch there was drama, and politics and betrayal.

Even if you keep your head down and do you work diligently and try to be a good person; the big bad world will find you when it is your turn and it will bite you in the ass. All you can do is brace your self for the moment and grow some damn body armor to deal with it; and maybe forget that there is a such thing as feelings.

Am I currently jaded yes. But wait there's more:

And then I came home and my kitchen started flooding and then I looked at my pet plant Billy and noticed that he was starting to wilt and die.

It was one of those days, as my friend put it, "When you're just trying to do your best, not to throw yourself out of a window."

Just to clarify: No actual suicidal ideation on my behalf there.

Day 39/40: The Joy Riding T.V

This weekend I got cable installed in my apartment. The following day I decided to purchase a t.v. This is the first t.v I have ever purchased; and so I was both excited and very caution with the new purchase.

Televisions have come a long way, they now only weight 20lbs and even a featherweight like me can easily carry them around. I was overjoyed to learn that I could retain my independence and move the t.v into my apartment on my own. This was the end of any happy feelings for the rest of the afternoon, as subsequently a series of rather unfortunate evens unfolded.

It all began when I underestimated the amount of things the 'moving cart' could handle carrying and so I ended up having to move the grocery laden cart a few feet and then returning to carry the t.v a few feet to catch up, repeating this process a few times I made it to the elevator, after bottle necking back door traffic for 10 minutes.

The real catalyst to the subsequent chaos was the spilled milk. Inexplicably, my half a gallon of milk began to spill into its containing bag; I sheepishly attempted to rub the milk around on the floor with a plastic bag to make it less obvious; although a quarter of a gallon of milk is a lot of fluid - do not be fooled, it will not end up looking like extra shiny floor.

I believe at this point I was sufficiently hot and bothered to lose some of my speed and agility. When I managed to get the t.v into the elevator by the time I turned around to get the cart of groceries in after it, the elevator door began to shut. I am nearly positive that at that point, time slowed down as I lunged for the door and when that didn't work, lunged for the "up" button.

Too late.

The elevator headed up, and up, and up. All the way to the 17th floor. Where it stayed for about 2 excruciating minutes, during which I imagined another tenant coming across my television all boxed up and ready for them to install into their apartment. Then the elevator went down, did not stop at "ground" despite my mad and continued pressing of the button to summon it. I assume the fact that we have 6 elevators did not help my cause as a number of other elevators turned up.

The elevator then shot up to the 6th floor, at which point I imagined that another tenant had come across the t.v and was now taking it to his 12th floor friend to sell for a nice price. At this point my body was full to the brim with panic and so I sprinted to the reception and in a shrill and delirious manner tried to relay my dilemma to her. Naturally, she stared at me as though I were the village idiot and she slowly told me she would call maintenance.

I sprinted back to the elevator and thank you Universe; there, in all its theatric glory, was my elevator yawning open to reveal my T.V still inside and the 1/4 jug of milk.

Day 37/38: I think...

Occasionally, I come across a senior resident or attending who really cracks the whip. Last night on call, I suspect my senior resident was a trained army sergeant. Apparently, no matter how hard you work, no matter that you dedicate 90 hours a week to your job, or that you have spent all your energy and youth on your work today, you are not doing enough. This was the type of senior resident who hounded me the entire night, looked over my shoulder at everything I did. And not only reprimanded my every decision but scorned them.

At one point she demanded to know why I wasn't hungry at 2 am. At this point I became thoroughly confused and wondered where I had gone wrong in life and why I too did not have a pb&j sandwich to voraciously tear apart as she was. I almost apologized for not eating a meal at 2 am.

I think she considered making me do some sort of laps or push ups as punishment, I could see the wheels of torture turning in her mind.

Finally, in the morning I was turned over to my regular senior resident; who i had previously regarded as being a big sheep dog herding little scared sheep interns. I now see my own resident in an entirely new forgiving light. At least she is capable of smiling and kindness and has a beating heart in her chest. I also suspect the night resident is made of titanium and has secret weapons concealed upon her robotic self.

Day 35/36: Be Careful What You Wish For

The other day we were sent our schedules for the month of August. I thought that this month was the worst schedule possible, with 3 days off the entire month.

If you ever think things could not be worse, you are a sucker; things can always be worse. In the month of August I get one day off. One day off when I don't have to go to work.

So, subsequently I found myself wishing something nice would happen to me. That night, I had a dream I was dating Leonardo Di Caprio.

I don't even like him.

I was hoping for something nice like, maybe somehow all of my med school debt would be erased. But, o.k universe; I'll take anything at this point.

Day 34: People are Weird

Today I went to the ER to admit a patient. She had her finger in her nose when I entered the room, she did not bother to remove it. Instead, she continued to pick her nose during the interview and exam.

I tried not to notice.

I mean, maybe if she was like 100 I would be like, you know what you're so old you deserve to do whatever the hell you feel like doing. She was only 60.

I really wanted to say "I CAN SEE YOU! Stop it! This is making me want to puke. Argh!!!"

Day 33: Nudity

If you ever worry about what your doctor is going to think of your body when you go in for an appointment - don't. If you actually took a shower in the last 2 days, you're already above average. We don't actually care or judge unless you pose a threat to our personal hygiene and safety.

As in, if we are worried a bug is going to jump off you onto us then we may cringe or hold our breath the entire exam.

But if you are stressed about us seeing your cellulitis or rolls or exceptionally hairy back, we WILL see it but unless we think it's medically relevant, it will flit out of our minds as soon as we write down the exam in your chart. We're usually too concerned with missing a medically relevant detail to spend any time at all judging people's bodies and most likely we're actually just poking at your belly to see how big your liver is.

We've seen it all, so don't feel conscious. And for God's sakes don't wait to come to the doc because of your fear of nudity, nothing about your appearance could distract our attention more than that gangrenous foot covered in parasites you've been sitting at home with. Yup, I've seen that too.

Day 32: I Love You Man!

Happy Munsary! One month of internship down and one month of Intern 365!

And for those who have been reading and giving me positive feedback - thank you, you guys are superstars! And now before I start profusely emoting due to post-call delirium, I will end this post.