Get out of jail free

I had this feeling today- you know the one where you feel as though you’re standing still on the sidewalk and all around you the rest of the world is moving by at fast forward. So fast it’s blurry. And as they pass people keep jostling you, not even noticing. Not even apologizing.

I’m beginning to wonder whether they’re moving the way they’ve always moved. And maybe it’s me that moving really slow. Strange.

And until now I have been unable to pinpoint the cause of this unrest. That is until I made the realization that I need fall.

That is to say that I need the autumn season. You see, I’ve been living in a place where it is one season all year long – not bad most people would say to have summer all year round, sun, flowers, warmth and a golden tan.

Well, you’re partially right, the sun, flowers and warmth are all here but I seem to be getting whiter not browner. That however, is not the problem.

The problem is that I’m a creature of the universe…one that happened to be born in the north where every year come September the maples decide its time to strike a fashion statement and break out the fiery wardrobe. Granted that this gorgeous display of crackly leaves and vibrant colors is followed by a hell-bent winter that attempts to wipe out the population one blizzard at a time – it’s the autumn bit that I really miss.

It’s not so much that my body is gearing up for some sort of hibernation and it’s confused by the environment, it's the associations I’ve come to make with fall that are causing me distress. As long as I can remember, every fall has brought about a chance to get a fresh start. A new school year, new teachers, new classrooms, new pencils, new things to fill my summer emptied head with.

I miss the pencils. I miss the shopping for brand new school supplies and the things that they’ve come to represent. I miss fresh starts.

Perhaps it’s a part of growing up. Life has become more of a run on sentence with the occasional punctuation provided by short holidays. The new chapters that were guaranteed by a youth divvied into neat little sections labeled work and play are not as easily discernible. I can no longer spend long summer days clearing my head. Apparently, I’ll need all the wisdom I can retain in the coming years. My pencils are now purchased out of necessity and not simply because it is time for a new set, to start over.

Is this the end of clean slates? Is this when I realize everything counts. That mistakes and foolishness will not be forgiven in the name of youth.

I don’t know if I’m ready. I know I could use one of those 'Get out of jail free' cards every now and then, get a do-over, get out of scary situations with a little pass. Or even the 200$ that comes with passing 'Go', but that's a different story. At the end of the day I'm sure the crisp winds will continue to bring about change. But it will never be quite the same as those cold September winds of childhood.